your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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