There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
His nipple licking is glorious
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