Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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