Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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