So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
