I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
