Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
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So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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