"it" just moved
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
