By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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