Dude my mom stole all your condoms
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
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I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
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well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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