Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
