Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
