You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
