Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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