I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
