My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
