I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Randomize
