filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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