Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
