if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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