How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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