Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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