2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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