Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
