Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
