Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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