apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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