i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize