I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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