I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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