Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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