that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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