I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
