Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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