Got a toothbrush?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
