you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
