You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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