if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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