what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
