Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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