I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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