dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
