Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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