she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
