I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
