the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
