i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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