she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
