I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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