P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
