Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just googled if crying burns calories
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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