So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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