we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
