I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
