Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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