So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
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I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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