a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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