I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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